I have not been officially diagnosed as having body dysmorphic disorder (bdd).  I certainly am not the kind of person who would become addicted to plastic surgery in the hopes of improving myself.  However, I do think that what I see when I look in the mirror is different from what the world sees when they look at me.  I am far too interested in what I look like.  I always have been and while I’d love to blame this on my mother who was irrationally concerned with outward appearances, I’m a grown woman who certainly didn’t need to carry that crap with me into adulthood. 

Recently, I have gained weight.  I quit smoking over four months ago and part of  the weight has come from that and part has come from being emotionally overwrought recently.  The weight gain in the mirror appears to be enormous.  I have weight issues in general.  Franky, I prefer to err on the side of emaciated.  I am at my happiest when bones are showing everywhere probably because I see thin when other people see uber-skinny.

At any rate, I have been unable to approach the scale lately.  Instead I have gone shopping and have been buying clothes in a size large wondering if that size is in fact too small.  Yesterday I bought a tank top in a size large.  It is meant to be body skimming and to my absolute SHOCK, it was much too big. 

The fact is that all shirts are cut differently and I may take a large in some tops depending on the make, department, etc.  The POINT is that yesterday for some reason, the mirror showed me the truth.  I saw myself as being heavier than I was but also didn’t see a cartoonish figure who could be a float in the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade. 

This morning I got on the scale.  I am ten pounds heavier than I would be happy with.  I am three pounds heavier than the last time I checked prior to cancer and surgery.  In the final analysis, I am the same person I have always been.  When something hurts me, I tend to hate ME.  Even when the thing that hurts me is Cancer. 

I am still recovering from so many things.  Every day is a chance to learn something else about myself and the world I want to fit into.  Today I am wearing clothes that fit me and am just fine with the way I look.  I’ll deal with tomorrow and its recovery then.