I had blood work done on Tuesday and an abdominal CAT scan done with two kinds of contrast yesterday.  I received some of the oncology blood work back which seems to indicate that I am slightly anemic as a result of surgery but that my liver is functioning well!  The liver function is hugely important because one of the places breast cancer often travels to is the liver.  I had a tumor marker blood test done also and that result is more a baseline to be used later on than anything else.  The CAT scan, though, is another story.  The results of this will predict my prognosis, my treatment, my future. 

I do not know how to explain the feeling of waiting for test results regarding cancer.  I have awaited results before and been worried and anxious.  This feels different.  I literally feel as though my life hangs in the balance.  And through my tears, I hate to say it is not just my life hanging out there.  It is Trent’s life also.  It is OUR life. 

The other night Trent and I were talking and I told him how growing up all the women’s magazines always advised women to give men an ultimatum if they didn’t pop the question in a timely fashion.  In my previous marriage, I didn’t give an ultimatum but I did have the pressure-inducing “what do you want for our future” conversation.  I swore to myself that I wouldn’t do that this time with Trent. 

 O my G-d was it hard to never ask him about marriage.  However, I knew that if I pushed him and he asked that I would NEVER have the experience of knowing that he wanted that on his own.  He did ask and because I let it happen naturally, my dream came true.  I never ask myself why he asked or if he is sorry he asked.  I know why. 

I want to share that long life with him more than anything in the world.  I want it to be perfect.  I want my cancer to miraculously go away.  I want to win the lottery and host the most extravagent, elegant wedding the world has ever seen.  I want, I want, I want. 

I will not get everything I want.  I cannot predict or determine the landscape of our future.  I can go about the business of loving him and our life together and that is exactly what I am going to try to do – as I wait.

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