Today I meet my oncologist.  How’s that for a sentence I had hoped never to say? 

I am a ball of emotions today.  I am pretty certain she is going to tell me what form of chemo I have to take and when to begin.  That means having to schedule an appointment to have a port inserted in my neck and who among us would be excited about that??  It means taking what is now a healthy body and wreaking havoc on it.  It means more unknowns, intangibles, and fears.

I desperately want to go alone to this appointment.  I want to go and hear what this doctor says and come home and report what I am willing to do rather than what is recommended.  For this reason, I am having someone come with me.  As much as I want to do this my way, I know that is precisely the way I normally make a nightmare out of my life. 

I am hating cancer today.  I don’t want to give one more thing up to this disease.  Yesterday I mailed most of the money I had saved for my wedding dress to two hospitals and a radiologist.  Yes, I’m glad I had the money to pay the bills and I’m glad to have my life saved but that doesn’t mean I cannot be absolutely devastated about my dress.

I have had a few days of feeling great and not having to do anything related to cancer.  I have relished the reprieve.  I am going to take a suggestion from Elizabeth and invite G-d to go into the doctor’s office before me.  Then I am going to take a very deep breath and walk into the lion’s den of fear and most likely come out just fine.