Today is my first day after chemo.  I got to take a lower dosage of steroids today and definitely feel better because of that.  I hate taking steroids but apparently they help maximize my anti-vomiting medicine and reduce possible inflamation caused by chemo.  Tomorrow morning, I will also take the steroids and the anti-nausea medicine and then I can stop. 

In two weeks, I have the pick line inserted (not excited).  I will most likely be bald by then or close to it.  I am not nearly as sick as I anticipated I would be.  I haven’t thrown up once.  Mainly I have a bad headache, feel freezing cold from inside out and feel tired. 

Sadly, Diet Coke suddenly tastes like shit.  I am completely pissed about it too.  I fucking (that’s for you, Vern) love Diet Coke.  Cancer is a litte bitch.  It’s pretty much worth killing a ton of my healthy cells to kill it.  Anything that can destroy the best beverage on earth needs to be taught a lesson.

I went to the 8 am meeting this morning and it felt so good to be there with the love and the hope and the solution.  In the shower this morning, it occurred to me that I have gone through most of the major, major cancer related hurdles.  I have gone through the mastectomy, the reconstruction, the narcotic medication, the lab results and reports, x-rays and scans, the staging and oncology information, and the first chemo treatment.  All that is left now is to lose my hair and start taking the hormone suppressors. 

I have been terrified before every step of this journey.  I have prayed and I have been carried through it all.  Nevertheless, I feel fear every time a new thing is around the corner.  I know that my hair will grow back but I am still terrified of  being without it.  I know it will be ok and that I will keep praying and will be carried again. 

I have faith.  I believe I am being cured.  I’m grateful but I’m still sad.  I am feeling and feeling and feeling and feeling a little more.  I am emotionally exhausted but not emotionally spent. 

I am honored and moved by all the people who follow this blog, who love me in person, or via phone and voicemail.  I adore my family and Trent’s family.  I adore my sponsor, Laurie, who is walking me through this.  Last but first, of course, is Trent.  The bell tolls for him.  I love him.

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