I am an emotional whirlwind these days. I float between joy and despair and everywhere in between on an hourly basis. I despise erratic people and feel as though I have now become one.

I have lost all control of my current physical situation. From minute to minute, I have no idea what to expect next from the chemotherapy I had seven days ago. I hate, hate, hate walking blindly into the dark. Always have; always will. Unfortunately hating something from the depths of my being doesn’t preclude me from having to experience it.

It is that very disdain for the unknown that causes me to spend hours upon hours researching everything I can about breast cancer and its treatments. This quest for knowledge proved most helpful regarding my surgery and reconstruction.

Today I woke up with a horrible rash on my scalp. I set out on yet another drive along the information highway. I searched everything under the sun and came up with the most uncanny answer. My scalp hurts and itches because I am about to go BALD.

The answer shouldn’t have surprised me but it did. I lost my breath and started to sob in horror. After a moment’s hysteria, I laughed. I mean, really, what kind of egomaniac does it take to think scalp symptoms during chemotherapy are UNrelated to baldness. I amaze myself sometimes. I really do.

So I am all over the place today.  Happy, sad, angry, peaceful and last but certainly not least, insane and riddled with denial.  Truly, I feel like my life is a game of hopscotch these days; as long as I land on the right square before my head hits the pillow, it’ll all be ok.