Today was the day I was supposed to have the picc (peripheral infusion central line)  line inserted.  Instead I cancelled the appointment and emailed my doctor telling her all the reasons why I should not have the thing inserted. 

I am taking two different chemotherapies.  One is called Adriamycin, also known as the red devil chemotherapy.  Please see picture below of syringe filled with it.  Adriamycin causes pretty severe side effects.  In fact, the red devil is responsible for the total hair loss that I’ll be experiencing.  It is also a vesicant, which means it can cause severe burns and irritation to the tissue it touches.  In my case it could burn through my vein and into the surrounding tissues of my arm.  From what I understand, this is as painful and horrible as it sounds.

So while I decided it was worth the risk of said tissue destruction, the oncology department at Kaiser is not willing to take the risk along with me.  FUCCCKKKKK!!!!!  I absolutely, positively have to have the central line.  Ok, this is better than a port because it will not cause yet another scar on my once perfectly blemish-free body.  However, it does require that the dressing be changed once a week, and that it be flushed daily with Heparin AT HOME. 

I am aggravated and here’s why. I don’t want a nurse to visit my home.  I don’t want syringes in my home.  I don’t want Heparin in my refrigerator.  My home with my dog and my Trent is my safe zone.  Cancer doesn’t live here; we do and that’s the way I want to keep it.  It is so important to me that I was willing to risk tissue destruction in my right arm for it. 

I know that like everything else, I will get used to it.  I will learn that sharing my home with the stuff that ultimately is saving my life won’t change the amount of love that lives here.  Trent and I will walk through yet another lesson on home health care.  It will be ok.  My sponsor used to tell me all the time, “stop telling help how to help you” and in that spirit, I emailed Kaiser back and told them to set me up for the picc line before my next chemo infusion on August 4.