Cancer is a hard word to digest.  Even though I fully believe and anticipate coming out of this battle as the victor, the other possibility is not absent from my mind.

Cancer forces change.  I have had more changes than I can list over the past four months.  My work life has changed, my body has changed, my hair is still changing.  Those are negative changes. 

Cancer can change some things for the better.  I cherish life more than I did in April.  I feel connected to the earth, odd as that sounds.  I am more in touch with the soul of my being these days than the physical body it inhabits.  My soul came from G-d so that change is kind of beautiful.  The already hotter than romance novel love between Trent and I has changed.  We love deeper.  We transcend cancer every day. 

Chemotherapy cannot be described in words.  I read so much about chemo but none of what I read truly prepared me.  It is hard.  It hurts. 

People who say “your hair will grow back” have no idea what it feels like to lose their hair to a disease that already robbed them of one beautiful body part.  It isn’t just hair.  It is control.  It is a constant reminder of a battle.  It is the absolute, unequivocable end of denial.

Going bald hurts.  My hair did not just drop off gently.  My hair has hurt me since the day I got chemo nearly three weeks ago.  My scalp has itched and ached and hurt to lie down on.  It is so uncomfortable now that baldness is appealing if it means the hair won’t hurt anymore.

Cancer makes alot of people uncomfortable and that makes me uncomfortable.  I have caught people staring at me off and on over the past few months.  It embarrasses me sometimes and sometimes it embarrasses the person who stares.  That sucks, on my end and theirs.

Cancer can be spiritually enriching.  I pray differently now.  I look for G-d all the time and I see Him and feel Him.  In moments of physical despair, my soul CAN feel peaceful.

Cancer has given me permission to be myself.  Without vanity, I have the gift to adorn my insides with beauty for a change. 

Cancer is not for the faint of heart.  Never before has “Go big or go home” made more sense.  I’m in it to win it and I’m giving it all I’ve got.  Sometimes I feel like I don’t have what it takes and then I let Trent hold me or let a meeting lift me. 

Cancer is a full-time job but so is life.  When cancer is behind me, I will not take the full-time job of living for granted.  I will get to live life the way I live cancer with that same attitude of “go big or go home”.

Look at this great cartoon!!!!!!!!  OMG how perfect is this!!!

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