Gosh I am overwhelmed by emotions today.  I have to take steroids on day one, two and three of chemo.  I actually take less than I am supposed to because when I take the prescribed amount, I am a complete basket case.

It is draining to feel so out of sorts so often for so long.  Not just physically draining but emotionally draining.  I am missing my hair and missing feeling happy with what I see in the mirror.  Every time I see myself in the mirror or feel the stubble on my head, I see cancer and I feel cancer.  When I try to find a comfortable position to sleep but cannot because of my picc line, I feel cancer.  Every time after chemo that the sight of my mastectomy hurts and my armpit hurts, I see and feel cancer.

Today I am tired.  My head hurts and I am achy.  I want to go out but know that wearing a hat will only make my head feel worse and I’m not ready to walk around bald.  I am frustrated and even though the end is in sight, I still have such a hard time seeing it. 

I am going to feel my feelings and own them.  I am going to keep moving on knowing that soon I will be done with chemo and the horrifying feelings it brings.  I am going to hold my breath for fall which has always been my favorite season.  Soon it will be Rosh Hashonah, the Jewish New Year.  I am ready to put this year behind me and start a new one. 

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