i have reached it.  the breaking point.

i have gone back to work and while that has helped restore some normalcy to my life, it has opened a new can of worms.  people simply do not think before they speak. 

this week i have been quizzed ad infinitum about my wedding.  really, people?  i am bald.  i have gained twenty pounds.  i have a two foot tube that runs the length of my arm and around to my chest.  please, if you are reading this, do NOT ask me about my wedding.  don’t misunderstand me.  trent and i WILL get married.  i’m just a little busy right now trying to save my fucking life.

another co-worker asked me if i had plans to get pregnant any time soon.  again, i ask, really?!?  next time please run me over with your minivan because i think that might feel better than my having to answer THAT question.  for the record, chemo can put me into an early menopause.  for the record, i won’t know if that has happened until, well,  i’ll just know.  for the record, i have to take an estrogen blocker for five years.  i’ll be fifty by then.  for the record, pregnant fifty year olds don’t as a rule have healthy babies.  after explaining this, i was asked if we had considered adoption.  are you kidding me?  for the sake of not being redundant, please review section above where i discuss being bald, fat, and picc lined.  i don’t have time to ADOPT a child right now.  i’m too busy saving my fucking life.

also, i have always, always, always wanted a child.  i would cut off my right breast with a dull knife myself right now if it would mean i could bring a little trent into this world.  i don’t want to adopt someone else’s infant.  if it doesn’t have trent’s genetics, well, whatever.

yesterday someone stopped me in the breakroom.  they asked me about being bald and i said sometimes people stare.  here is the statement this person made to me, “well, you are the embodiment of everybody’s worst fear”.  there is no retort to that.  it is the truth and as is so often the case, the truth hurts. 

i am tired of cancer and all its social improprieties.