While not a photo, that is an accurate portrayal of what I look like.  Well, minus the cape and the SKIRT.  I’m sure some women wear a skirt the day after chemo, but I’m not one of them.

Today is a mixed bag.  I’m so thrilled to have completed treatment.  I’m not feeling my worst today but not my best either.  I’m freezing, first of all.  Second of all, my brain is fried again.  I’m told I’ll get much more clarity once I start to heal and I believe it because usually right before I went back for my next treatment, I’d feel like I had a grip on my faculties again.

Last night I cried a big long cry.  I am relieved.  I am trying to really reconcile putting cancer behind me and survivor before me.  I made up my mind early on in this battle, that I would be a survivor and according to the american cancer society, one becomes a survivor at the moment of diagnosis.  It is time to say, “I had breast cancer” not “I have breast cancer”.  That feels good.

And, of course, we are right smack in the middle of the Days of Awe.  For my non-jewish friends, the Days of Awe are the ten days between Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur.  On Rosh Hashonah G-d writes our names in the book of life.  The decision made on Rosh Hashanah can be changed during the Days of Awe by making peace with people you have harmed, giving charity and I think prayer is the third thing.  During these ten days the sky is open and G-d’s mind can be changed.  On the eve of Yom Kippur, the skies are closed and the decisions are final.

I love the Days of Awe.  I love the high holy days.  I always have.  I can think of no better time to have my last chemo.  The skies are open.  My G-d is really watching.  I can’t imagine what wonder that can bring because he has carried me all the way through last year when the skies were closed. 

I have a ton of faith these days.  I have a ton of love.  When I feel better, I can’t wait to give all of my love away to all the people who have loved me though this.

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