I am really feeling the cumulative effects of chemo this time.  I feel particularly exhausted and achy and out of sorts this time.  I have a strong desire to jump back into the world and into my life but…my appearance so hinders me. 

I don’t know what other people see when they look at me but I see the toll this experience has taken on me.  The loss is very real to me.  And, like the chemo, my physical experience has been cumulative.  What began as a scar across my breast has blossomed into baldness, weight gain, the palest skin ever, and a ton fewer eyelashes and eyebrows.  I look in the mirror these days and am acutely aware of all I have faced.  I don’t yet see myself as a winner in this fight.  I probably won’t until I have enough hair and eyebrows to feel pretty again.

I thought there would be an internal celebration that I’m done.  Maybe after three weeks pass and I don’t have more chemo, the celebration will catch up with me.  Right now, I’m still suffering the effects of the last round.  I’m feeling so emotional and so drained.  I have always been one to motor through the rough spots in life.  When I am on the other side, I finally take the time to stop moving and experience what just happened.

So here I am.  I am done with chemo.  Now, what?

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