I ran out of steam at the end there and it was all I could do to find the willingness to take the Tamoxifen and move on to this last phase of my treatment.
But, I did it. I prayed for the willingness. I took the action and picked up the prescription and left it on my nighttable. The first morning, I woke up and looked at it and thought, “not today, bitch”. The second morning, the bottle looked up at me and said, “well, do ya want to live or not?”. I took the pill and fully prepared for hot flashes that would make all sweaters and coats permanently unnecessary. I prepared for all the CRAP I made the mistake of reading about on the internet.
ANDREA + internet – G-d = FEAR-BASED INSANITY!!!
I haven’t been taking it for a week yet but….So far, my appetite seems slightly suppressed (YAY); my desire for diet coke is gone (OK, the shit is bloating anyway, I guess), my mood is fine, my hair did NOT fall out again as predicted by the internet, I have felt a few tinges of being overly warm in the morning as I wake up. FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THAT IS GOOD AND HOLY, I AM FINE!!!!!
In fact, I’m feeling pretty darn good. I have a five o’clock shadow on my head. I tweezed my eyebrows this morning!!! I can’t wear mascara yet, but my lashes are growing back!!! I shaved my armpits for the first time since sometime in July after chemo started!! I used nail polish remover today and it wasn’t excruciating!!!
I made dinner; I cleaned the bathtub myself and didn’t nearly collapse from weakness in the process; I went to the movies with Trent; we went to the supermarket; I drove home bald cause at this point, who cares?; I made dinner; I emailed a friend; I am writing on my blog and I’M NOT TIRED YET.
Look out!!!! I’m on the road. You see it? The one above??? You can’t see me in but I’m there. I’m up ahead where the light is. You know, the light that Trent PROMISED he could see way back when??? I’m walking toward it people and, for the record, that forest was a dang nightmare!
I have a long road back to wholeness but FINALLY, I see that road and I’m happy as FUCKALL to be on it for as long as it will have me.