I write. It is what I do when I don’t know what else to do. My writing is as much a part of me as my heart is.
So, I don’t have cancer anymore and life is beautiful and brand new to me. I am finally not anemic anymore and all of the accompanying annoyances from that have thankfully gone away. My energy during the day is back in full force. I still get tired earlier in the evening than I did before but it’s a small price to pay. My hair is back and every morning as I put gel or mousse or whatever in it and blow dry it, my soul sings with gladness. I know my soul isn’t connected to my hair but it sure does my soul good to have it back.
I am emotional lately. I cry at the drop of a hat and not because I take Tamoxifen but because I am so overflowing with emotion. I am alive. I am so relieved. I am so unbelievably grateful for yet another second chance at life. I am feeling all the feelings I pushed away while I was fighting. I am letting the tears flow because they are mine and I earned them. I am proud as hell to feel them and lucky as hell to be alive to have them.
The anniversary of my diagnosis came and went with a whisper. I am a one year cancer survivor. I read early on in my cancer journey that it would take a year for me to feel like my new breast was a part of my body. I have found that to be true. It has been quite the journey to find my self-confidence again and to feel beautiful again. I looked in the mirror this morning and was proud of my breasts. Both of them! I was ashamed at my body and what had happened to it for a while. Accepting it, just like grieving it, has been a tremendous process for me. It has been equally difficult, if not moreso, to see myself as beautiful again. For the longest time, I prayed every day and asked G-d to remove the sin of vanity and He did. When I no longer needed to ask that, I had to find it again – my vanity. Now I ask G-d to show me my beauty and He is doing that for me also.
My cup runneth over and right now it overwhelms me and frightens me. But I will not shrink from it or anything else because I went through hell to be able to have this cup, whatever it is…
If you’ve read this, thank you and I hope you enjoyed it and felt my energy and passion in it. If you didn’t that is fine too because this post I wrote only for me.