I write.  It is what I do when I don’t know what else to do.  My writing is as much a part of me as my heart is. 

So, I don’t have cancer anymore and life is beautiful and brand new to me.  I am finally not anemic anymore and all of the accompanying annoyances from that have thankfully gone away.  My energy during the day is back in full force.  I still get tired earlier in the evening than I did before but it’s a small price to pay.  My hair is back and every morning as I put gel or mousse or whatever in it and blow dry it, my soul sings with gladness.  I know my soul isn’t connected to my hair but it sure does my soul good to have it back. 

I am emotional lately.  I cry at the drop of a hat and not because I take Tamoxifen but because I am so overflowing with emotion.  I am alive.  I am so relieved.  I am so unbelievably grateful for yet another second chance at life.  I am feeling all the feelings I pushed away while I was fighting.  I am letting the tears flow because they are mine and I earned them.  I am proud as hell to feel them and lucky as hell to be alive to have them.

The anniversary of my diagnosis came and went with a whisper.  I am a one year cancer survivor.  I read early on in my cancer journey that it would take a year for me to feel like my new breast was a part of my body.  I have found that to be true.  It has been quite the journey to find my self-confidence again and to feel beautiful again.  I looked in the mirror this morning and was proud of my breasts.  Both of them!  I was ashamed at my body and what had happened to it for a while.  Accepting it, just like grieving it, has been a tremendous process for me.  It has been equally difficult, if not moreso, to see myself as beautiful again.  For the longest time, I prayed every day and asked G-d to remove the sin of vanity and He did.  When I no longer needed to ask that, I had to find it again – my vanity.  Now I ask G-d to show me my beauty and He is doing that for me also.

My cup runneth over and right now it overwhelms me and frightens me.  But I will not shrink from it or anything else because I went through hell to be able to have this cup, whatever it is…

If you’ve read this, thank you and I hope you enjoyed it and felt my energy and passion in it.  If you didn’t that is fine too because this post I wrote only for me.

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